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The reasons men cheat are as familiar, and pervasive, as the clichés they’ve inspired: His wife doesn’t understand him. She constantly busts his chops. He just can’t help himself. But if more women examined those motives and spotted the warning signs, they might be able to nip infidelity in the bud, claims Steve Santagati, author of The Manual: A True Bad Boy Explains How Men Think, Date and Mate – and What Women Can Do to Come Out on Top (Crown, 2007).
“Ninety-nine percent of the time, there’s a simple reason why men cheat: boredom,” says Santagati, a relationship expert and former model who has dispensed no-nonsense dating advice on The Today Show, The Tyra Banks Show and Rachael Ray. Fortunately, he adds, it doesn’t take much for a woman to snap her man out of the doldrums. All she has to do is put a little energy into taking the monotony out of monogamy.
“Get him thinking, keep him wondering about you, surprise him sexually,” Santagati suggests. “Once you start to do these things, the sense of mystery will heighten the experience and keep him interested.”
And that means he’s less likely to offer one of the following excuses for stepping out:
1. She ain’t what she used to be.
Like Adam, the typical man can’t resist the temptation of riper fruit, especially if the woman in his life has let herself go. “If she got lazy physically or gained weight or just doesn’t take care of herself, a guy will start looking at other women,” Santagati says. Women who want to keep their men on a short leash need to take a “good, hard look in the mirror,” he adds. And men should do the same. He might be a complete slob and still be demanding perfection from her. “It’s the typical double standard.”
For their part, guys should also make an effort to rediscover the spark at home. “Make her feel pretty, even if you’re lying,” he advises. “Tell her how beautiful she is and how much you appreciate it. It will make her feel sexy and she’ll want to make you happy.”
2. No one loves a ball buster.
Perhaps nothing will drive a married man into the arms of another woman faster than a nagging wife. “She’s like a mosquito,” Santagati says. “He doesn’t want to have sex with her; he wants to [swat her away].” The more viable option: hot sex with a more, uh, “understanding” woman.
3. The thrill of it all.
Most guys who have affairs are getting in touch with their inner caveman: They like to play with fire. “It adds a level of danger,” Santagati says, “and danger adds to the excitement.” By keeping surprise and sizzle in your sex life, a woman can keep the home fires burning so hot that her man won’t have any reason to stray.
4. Blame it on wanderlust.
Often, married men who roam can’t quite explain their motivation. They just find themselves compelled to bust out of their day-to-day routine in search of something new. It’s a primitive instinct that dates back to their role as hunter and gatherer – only this time, they’re hunting and gathering new women.
“Maybe he got married too young,” Santagati says, “or he just feels as if he hasn’t seen everything.” Women can protect themselves by getting wise to this behavior early in the relationship – and getting out. Santagati suggests you can find out more about a man’s dating history by watching how he acts in a room full of gorgeous women. If you can’t rein him in when your romance is new, you’ll never control him down the road when your life together is more settled. “The first three months are critical,” he says.
5. It’s biology, baby.
Okay, women are going to find this theory a tad hard to swallow, but it seems the male urge to get into someone else’s jeans is in their genes. “It’s our biological nature to be with as many females as possible,” Santagati says.
“Once we’ve seen a woman naked several times, it becomes commonplace. It doesn’t matter if you’re Jessica Alba or Sienna Miller, we become accustomed to your body and want to experience something different – different lips, different body types. We’re only monogamous because we realize that love and friendship are more important than getting laid.”
6. It’s just sex.
For most guys, sex and love are two entirely different things. “We really believe, ‘I can still love my wife and want to have sex with other women.’ We separate it in our brains,” Santagati says. That rationale allows guys to dabble guilt-free, with one notable exception:
“Any guilt that a man has after sex isn’t about the sex itself, it’s about the consequences,” Santagati says. “Will she be a stalker? Will my wife find out?
If a guy is in a committed, monogamous relationship, he should ask himself one question before he cheats: Is it worth it? He should consider the worst-case scenario, meaning that his wife finds out and is now brokenhearted. Is it worth it?”
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